I've finally decided: I'm making my LiveJournal friends only/private.


I had the urge to totally vent out like I never have and made it a private post. It felt like a huge release. All this while when I post about things I always restrict myself, always afraid of how something will sound and of who's reading this. I can't limit my feelings anymore.


So for now on all my entries will be private. Once and awhile I'll make them viewable, but only by Friends Only. So if you've been reading my journal but aren't on my friends list, give me a comment and I'll see if I'll add you.


I care about you guys and what goes on with you, so of course I'll still read your journals and comment, that won't change.



If you wanna talk outside of here, get in touch with me through email, IM, or myspace.



LiveJournal has been a best friend for 6 years. I think now it's time to keep our friendship private.

I heart the Fall. It's my absolutely favorite season. This cool breeze makes me feel alive.


Been listening to alot of this band called Mae lately, who's touring with Mute Math. They are awesome <3


I have to study Chemistry tomorrow and I don't want to. I have basically 3 days over school over the next 2 weeks. But sadly this free time away from Baruch will be spent doing things FOR Baruch. Go fig


I'm noticing alot of differences between myself and the people closest to me. And my patience is thrown out the window.


And I've realized, Martyne is not at all innocent anymore. I'm beginning to be the exact opposite. Which weirdly, it not so bad.




Say anything
But, say what you mean
When you whisper you want this
Your eyes tell the same
We are gaining speed
I can barely breathe
Cause I’m caught in suspension

Things really haven't changed. No revelations of any sort... just thinking really. I've been trying to come back to my old self - through memories, through friends, and most especially through music. I've been hoping my old philosophies on life would seep through once again as it always does.. but then seconds later it all switches back to pessimism.


I was put in a very odd circumstance the other night where I really didn't use my judgement. Everything turned out ok but the resulting feelings continued to linger within me. I got really nervous and just broke down and started to pray - asking God to help me in all this. It seems that I'm becoming lesser of a Christian now.. that always reaching out to God through everything is now only just in the low points. I never wanted to stoop that far down... always wanted to set the example. Guess now I'm the example for the opposite.


I'm just lost...that's all.


I think I've found the one song that defines me at this exact moment:

Switchfoot - "Golden"


She's alone tonight,
With a bitter cup and,
She's undone tonight,
She's all used up,


She's been staring down the demons,
Who've been screaming she's just another so and so,
Another so and so


You are golden,
You are golden, Child

You are golden,
(Don't let go,)
(Don't let go tonight)


There's a fear that burns,
Like trash inside
And you're ashamed of the curse,
That burns your eyes


You've been hiding in your bedroom,
Hoping this isn't not how the story has to go
It's not the way it goes, It's your book now,
You're,


Golden,
You are golden, Child

You are golden,
(Don't let go,)
(Don't let go tonight)


You're a lonely soul,
Inlet of broken hearts
You're far from home,
It's a perfect place to start


So this final verse,
Is a contradiction
And the more we learn,
The less we know


We've been talkin' about a feeling,
We both know inside but couldn't find the words
I couldn't write this verse,
I've seldom been so sure,
About anything before


Golden,
You are Golden, Child

You are Golden,
(Don't let go,)
(Don't let go tonight)


This world is a dead man down
Every breath is a singing crown away, (Golden, Child, you are,)
Like some debilitated king, (Golden, don't let go,)
Don't let go tonight


Earth Spins and your mind goes round'
Green comes on the frozen ground,
And everything will be made new again,
Like freedom and spring,
Hey, like freedom and spring,
Like freedom and spring


Things that ARE looking bright:

10/9 - Mute Math / Mae @ Irving Plaza

10/29 - Relient K @ Hammerstein Ballroom

11/1 - Gwen Stefani/Black Eyed Peas @ MSG

11/3 - Switchfoot @ Nokia Times Square Theater

I don't know what to think, feel, or do with myself anymore. These have been the absolutely hardest past few days of my entire life. I've never cried so much, I felt like my insides were going to just burst. I've lost a huge part of me I feel I'll never get back. With my poppy passing, I've also passed - into a totally different person. I person that has become full of hatred for alot of things.. and especially alot of people. But I think all this is a wake up call from him, telling me to start growing up and thinking about myself first and not giving a shit about others and how they view me. And, Poppy, that's what I'm going to do.


So goodbye to you all. Even though your blood to me, you could of definitely fooled me. I'm done. He's not here anymore to attach me to you all now.


I haven't been sleeping, my face is officially pale, and I look like shit. But I simply don't seem to care. And when I do sleep, it's mostly nightmares and I wake up in a panic. I just don't know how to cope.


I thank you all who have given me your condolences. Your kindness means the world to me <3


To end this entry off on a positive note (which I try most of the time to do, lol), I got my Switchfoot tickets. And tomorrow I'm taking a walk over to Irving Plaza and purchase tickets to Mute Math on Oct. 9th and possible Constantine tickets for a show downtown this Sunday. Hopefully music will take my mind out of this rut as it has in the past.



you are Golden
don't let go tonight

How can I be all smiles one minute and hysterical crying the next?



My grandfather passed away tonight.



I felt funny the pass two days. I knew something was coming. Just not suddenly.



And to hear from my baby cousin's mouth how he passed right in front of her with him calling her name... I'll never get over.



He was my poppy, the rock of this family, and my last living grandparent. God, I just wanted him a bit longer.



I love you Pop </3

All I can do is smile. I love how a creations such as this can deteriorate all the crap in this world for just a moment and totally blind it from my eyes. I love music in any single sense of the word. Thank you for being original and fabulous. You never once turned to fame and adhered to it. And thank you most of all for entering into my life.




http://www.vh1.com/artists/az/switchfoot/949973/album.jhtml?popThis=playIt()


we are one tonight

So school has arrived. First week of classes was a success but extremely tiring. And I had the first session of the class I'm teaching. It was funny, enjoyable, and went well. Now I'm stuck with endless amounts of reading... English major.


Had a great weekend that consisted of listening to live rock music with one of my oldest friends and getting wasted on purpose, Atlantic City yesterday with the fam and Martyne's first legal gambling experience, and saying farewell to my oldest friend late last night as she headed back to school. But it's not goodbye. We promised it'll be different this time... we'll be better.


Amazing news.. Mute Math October 9th at Irving Plaza. It's a Sunday night with no school the next day. The day has come where I'm meeting Paul again. ::sigh:: No one is getting in my way this time. Blindside has two dates in October... I doubt those but still hoping. And, of course, Gwen Stefani and Switchfoot the first week of November :)



Btw.. Staten Island is EXTREMELY small.


So detering and changing seems to be working. The attention is different but feels comfortable. And weirdly enoough.. I'm still in my own skin.


the morning star is shining again

Ever since my cousin's sweet 16, I've been very sad and highly emotional. The party was beautiful… and the most memorable part was the candle ceremony. Parties nowadays have these huge screens that project a slideshow of pictures. My whole family was displayed beautifully (and humorously) for all to see. But, once she started with her 3rd candle, dedicated to my still sick grandfather, we all bawled our eyes out. And since then I haven’t stopped. I guess to publicly hear someone tell the truth of how his illness is affecting us broke us all down and made us face reality. Every word she said rang truth to me and everyone there that night. I love him so much and don’t want him to leave this world yet. I’m not ready. I want him just a bit longer. I went to see him today and it’s so hard…most of the time he can’t even speak up and when he does, he says he doesn’t recognize me. I wish more than anything that he’d get better. But I just don’t know what to hope for anymore.



Also references to my late grandma made us all tear up. I really want more than anything else to go back to the way things used to be. A time when things were simple, fun, and memorable. That night, as she was going through her candles and the memories throughout the years, I wished I was young again. That way, my grandma would still be here and my poppy healthy. I want those holidays to be special again… constant baking, laughing, fish, driving around Brooklyn looking at all the beautiful Christmas decorations. I want those summers where we all were inseparable and annoyed the hell out of each other. The times where everyday was a new adventure. Now, so many things have changed and I don’t even recognize the present anymore. I just wanna go back…badly

So since I have returned from vacation I have:


+ Worked my shift on Sunday, but turned out to be 4-9 instead.


+ Went into school Tuesday all day for my T.E.A.M. Baruch orientation.


+ Slept over Charlotte's house Wednesday night and went out to eat with her, Christina, and Tere.


+ Worked at Freshman Convocation yesterday and taught my first class :) My kids are great, the whole staff is great, and I made tons of friends. I haven't had that much fun in awhile.


+ Went out clubbin with Charlotte last night. We drank, partied, and teased the men. Oh, and Lumidee was there. Uh-oh.


Fun moment:

"My name is Miguel, what's your name?"
"Alison"
"It's very nice to meet you."


I said it with such conviction that I think I even freaked myself out.



Tonight is my cousin Nicole's Sweet 16. I'm extremely tired and sore... but there's nothing like a family party. Especially with the rumor that Angelo Venuto will be there. Hmm.


Mistake with the calendar... instead of starting school Monday, I start Tuesday. Oh yea.


apatheic's the pathetic way to be
but I don't care
-Relient K

So it's my last night here in VA Beach, and I'm glad at this point. This week was so extremely long and dragged out. Civilization awaits me.


This vacation was relaxing, tiring, exciting, tasty, and frustrating. I love my family to death, but hell.. they can really get to me. It's not like your home and if times get rough, you can just leave your house or even retreat to your room. Here, your stuck. But we did have our fun moments. My brother and I especially got along well on this trip. I also passed down my love for the Black Eyed Peas to him and we continuely sing "My Hump" in every public place we enter, along with dance moves. It's hysterical. I have Reyes' to thank for my appreciation of them, haha.

We're leaving VERY early tomorrow AM and then on Sunday, I have work from 2-9PM. UGH, but it should go over quickly. Then this week and I have to go into school Tues, Wed, and Thurs for Freshman Leader duties. To remind some of you, I'm a new Student Leader at Baruch, where I teach a required class for all the freshman. Hopefully I'll chill with Charlotte during that time, since she getting home from Malta tomorrow :)


Also, one of my favorite bands, Blindside, added a last minute tour date... NYC @ CBGB's on TUESDAY! Last minute, huh? LOL. I really hope I see them, since I wasn't able to go to their show when they were here in June.



I'm heading off, back in good 'ol Shaolin in less than 24 hours! Holla, lmao

That "envious" mood is for my girl, Casey. LOL


Hello my LJ lovers. It's me here in VA Beach. I love my daddy having his laptop, lol. Well the past few days were filled with one LONG car trip ( 8hrs, eek), awesome seafood, a great room, great shopping, and most of all... great sun. BUT, it's too much sun.. so so hot. I couldn't even lay out long because even with SPF 50 on I felt ike I was burning. Extremely strong rays. But now we hear the days to come will be filled with rain :(


I found a starbucks... heaven.

Yay for hot men, and for little baby boys with Switchfoot hair. So cute <3


Can't wait to for clubbing Thursday and Friday nights.


I love my NY accent more and more everyday lol. I don't know how the people hear speak how they do.


Feel free to text me people. I love them. Was already texting Anna yesterday and it brought a smile to my face.


Happy Birthday Timmy <3 (yesterday) I was estatic yesterday to walk into a lil souvenir shop and what comes on the radio? "Stars" :) That made my day.


feel like coming back to life

Work tonight @ 6
Shower
Last minute packing
Sleep
Helping Dad navigate an approximate 6 hr drive (which will turn out longer)


Then, finally... I'll be at VA Beach


I can't wait for relaxation, tanning, the ocean, food, scenery, alcohol, and dancing.


Shout out to my Germany gals. I'm going to miss you alot :( I hope you have one amazing experience that will stay with you for always. Have a great time and stay safe. I love you <3



Love you all and will speak to you when I return. Feel free to comment/text/call ...phone is in use and dad's bringing his laptop.



the rest is still unwritten

I've had a horrible night and decided to come online to distract myself. But no distraction appeared, just this neverending frustration once again came knocking back on my door. Just when I thought I was in the clear does God once again bring it all back to me and get me thinking. And today was the one day I thought about him in a very long time. And then...bam.




Here we go again.




You crawl in bed, it's 3am
You smell of wine and cigarettes
A butterfly under the glass
You are beautiful
But you're not going anywhere

Update:


Worked mad hours this weekend.


Went out to the bars two nights in a row. Let's just say nothing compares to Manhattan.


Friends make me smile :)


Been pretty sick the last few days. I just hope I recooperate by Saturday. The upside is that I lost 5lbs from this.


Big Brother on in less than an hour. I can't wait, since I've missed the last 2 episodes. Thank goodness for amazing communities and live feed websites.


Started packing today for vacation.


I'm already onto the Junior Yr. of Felicity Porter.


Blindside "The Great Depression" album rocks <3


"Stars" video is finally unleashed:

http://s38.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=22YQ4902V2TWI0DWE9ER9PVH8V


I like the video alot. Tim can still handle that bass underwater ;) It's funny though... watching it I felt like it had a "Dare You To Move" video vibe... the way they all are positioned and of course, the rain.



look up at the rain
a beautiful display
of power and surrender

You are need to go to the *NEW* Switchfoot.com


OMG, it's amazing! Clips from the new album, mp3s of every song from all their other albums (and summary's of what went on behind each album), pictures, news, and of course...words





In 1991, when Rolling Stone interviewed Dylan on the occasion of his 50th birthday, he gave a curious response when the interviewer asked him if he was happy. He fell silent for a few moments and stared at his hands. 'You know,' he said, 'these are yuppie words, happiness and unhappiness. It's not happiness or unhappiness, it's either blessed or unblessed.'



This record was written somewhere between the blessed and the unblessed, between the godly and the ungodly by a few young urban professionals from San Diego. These songs are dreams and questions, bleeding together, breathing in and out- always somewhere between life and death. And I feel this tension, this distance now more than ever, like a numbing ache... deep inside. The distance between the way things are and the way they could be, the distance between the shadow and the sun. And this is where we exist: within the paradox. Living out our lives: oxygen and carbon and hydrogen and so on... This record was the attempt to make something beautiful in filthy backstage dressing rooms everywhere, trying to sing something true with a broken heart. This record was written about things that I don't understand.



And yes, there's more than a wink of irony in all of this: making music from our most intimate thoughts and selling these songs online for a dollar a pop. Singing an anthem every night about how "we were meant to live for so much more" and many times feeling like a failure; singing "I dare you to move"and feeling trapped. Both loving and hating all the fuss that the music has brought. Knowing that even Rock and Roll, perhaps the best job in the world will not make me happy (in the yuppie sense of the word).



And yes, this American life is absurd! a strange paradox indeed... Perhaps no amount of money, sex, or power has ever satisfied us before, but maybe today will be different! Maybe this new purchase will make me happy! And the sun rises and sets once more- another day, another dollar. A carbonated beverage will help to chase your insecurities away. This new product will help to fill the meaningless void I feel inside. And so I drink the beverage, wear the clothes, and watch the war on TV. meaningless. meaning less.



Do we hunt our ridiculous suburban dreams like the neighborhood cat? Have we quietly fallen in line with the advertisement? Are we driven by ego uncontrolled, our lives simply vain pursuits of meaningless ends? Do we attempt to validate our existence by materiel means, relational acquisitions, sexual conquests, fiscal achievement, and cultural prowess? It was another jewish man who said something like this a while back.


"All is meaningless,"
Declares the teacher.
"Meaningless, meaningless,
Everything is meaningless"



For me, there is a terrible, wonderful freedom in coming to terms with these un-happy, un-yuppie words. It's a strange consolation in our dizzy and breathless race for happiness to find that you will never outrun the horizon. It's an avalanche you can't escape. It's a fatal wound that you cannot heal. If you fall on this rock you will be broken, if it falls on you you will be crushed. You see, this album started with a blow between the eyes that I am still recovering from, that's really all I've got to offer these days.



So in the half-light glow of radio shows, music videos, and greedy billboard charts I am aware of a darkness that is beyond me, I am coming to terms with my unbelief. No, I don't believe in rock and roll. No, I don't believe in the success that we've achieved. And no, I don't believe in me. In a free market world of the bought and sold I feel caught in between. I believe I've heard about a man who was exploited to sell everything from indulgences to the wars of men. And yet he offered only one bitter pill that was not easily marketed. Maybe that's what this record hopes to be: a simple bitter pill of truth that steps outside of our hamster wheel and looks up at the stars and beyond.



Maybe Dylan was right when he said Rock and Roll isn't Rock and Roll anymore. I've met so many lonely, desperate, beautiful people over the past few years. Yeah, I've got a bitter pill to swallow, but it just might be true. Maybe our lives drift quietly by and we can't stop the current. Maybe this modern river leads to the sea of death, where no medicine can cure these ills. Perhaps our restless wanting is satisfied only outside of ourselves.



It was another jewish man who said something like this, "If you seek to gain your soul you will lose it." I am on a journey that will one day come to final terms with these words.

Take what you need
Cause I can’t hold my breath
Say what you feel
Cause I’ve got nothing left
I made a promise to myself last night
I’m gonna keep it if it’s wrong or right


I’ve done a whole lotta nothing these past few days. I’ve been reading, which is good - two Sarah Dessen books (my favorite young adult author.) For some reason it took me two weeks to finish the first book, “This Lullaby.” Usually with her books, you get totally engrossed in them and never want to put it down. But with this one, I dunno… it dragged on and I was always distracted, always putting it aside to do something else. When I was done with that one, I started “The Truth About Forever” and finished it in two days. I began yesterday morning, continued on last night until I fell asleep, and finally finished it this morning. It was amazing.


I’ve also been exercising like a mad woman. I didn’t work out Monday because I wasn’t feeling well, so I made up for it yesterday. Spent an hour and a half at the gym doing cardio and weights and I guess my energy level was up because afterwards I did my usual run to the water and back. Felt great. And today I also worked out. What can I say? It’s summertime and it’s great to be active. And Virginia Beach in less than two weeks! I need to get toned up for the beach. I’m really excited though… I need a vacation. We’re staying in the time share establishment… so so beautiful. And my aunt, cousins, and my cousin’s boyfriend are coming down with us for only a few days of the vacation… going to be fun, and interesting. With family, it’s always a blast and drama wrapped up in one crazy package. Pictures, I promise.


I’m working not two, but three days this week. Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights. Not complaining…I need the money. And it’ll be “club CD” as Kristina says, since she’ll be working with me Thursday and Friday. She’s a nut.


If you’re a Big Brother freak as I am, I urge you to head on over to hamsterwatch.com. That site is kick ass.


Oh.. and I almost forgot the best news I heard lately:


Switchfoot // NYC // November 3rd


<333


I miss you, Nanny. I hope your watching me from heaven, being my guiding light in all the things I do. I love you. RIP 8/3/97


If I lose it all
There’ll be nothing left to lose
And I would take the fall
Cause knowing you are out there breathing
Is so wonderful
It’s a chance I’ll take
Even if I break and
Lose it all
Lose it all
It wouldn’t matter anyway

Realizations.. Realizations.. Realizations


Neither good nor bad - but strikingly true.


I've figured out alot of things about myself and the way I live my life lately that I'm still not content with. Content meaning in the after affect of the decisions I've made and just the notion of how slow and dreadful time is passing by. All along I've followed the rules so precisely it's sickening... but still no real progress. I still feel trapped in this one place I know I'll never get out of. So lately I've been changing.. physically and absolutely mentally. Will this conformity make everything better? And make this sadness and uncomfortable feeling go away? I'll never know. But sadly, it's numbing it for short periods of time.


Been watching so much of my Felicity DVDs lately. Whenever I feel like watching TV, I'll just throw it on. It was one of my favorite shows growing up... but just being older and appreciating the simplicity behind it, I've really figured out it's my absolute favorite show. It brings forth the most ideal of circumstances and then with a huge bang, drops back down to this unsettling reality. I see myself so much in this show... it's scary. I think Felicity's character is one of the most real and captivating characters ever produced for television. And I think I figured out my “type.” I’m attracted to all different types of guys… but this one particular type I’ve been finding myself liking more and more. One of the characters from the show is practically identical to someone I know. I was always attracted to him… he’s smart, hysterical, and very cute. But I must say, his intelligence is what attracted me first. I always found myself sinking into his words…either spoken or written. Then oddly after watching this show, this character reminded me of him. The only thing I had a problem with this guy was some of his beliefs… to me he was basically a hypocrite. But lately, after a lot of internal thinking I’ve been going through, I kinda agree on his views. I’m beginning to think I was wrong about all of it.


Happy Birthday Mommy and Charlotte.



I just want it to be all worthwhile. But I’ve realized that will never happen. So the real challenge now is to accept that. After doing so, it’ll all go smoothly.




Noel:

Okay. Here's my speech. This is the Big Speech from Noel.
You musn't leave this school. Why? Here's why: because... this is a life struggle. This is fate, this is a challenge. If you turn away from this now, you will--and I promise you this--be confronted by this same issue five years from now. Or ten. You'll be the fancy doctor with the fancy practice... you'll be married, and you'll have like four phone lines in your home... and then boom! It'll grip you like a blast of freezing cold air. You know... what the hell is my life? And you'll be able to trace it back to this instant, this very moment, when that geek R.A. gave you these four words of advice: Stay in New York or Perish.
... Five... six words.


Ben:

You provoke me, you make me think about things that I never think about, without even saying anything, just by the way you look at me"


Felicity:

Dating no one is the greatest feeling... no pressure, no trouble, no expectations .... so maybe i should start dating

Yay for highlights



Today was a Martyne pampering day… walked into Annadale and first got my nails done. Then I went into Hair Express after hearing good things about the place and went to see how much highlights and a hair cut were. Prices were reasonable so I was like “What the hell…” and wound up getting the best hair cut I’ve ever had. I’m so happy with it. And I LOVE my lights :)

The start of my official “summer” has been going good so far. Been hangin' out with the Reyes'... doing the shopping and coffee thing. Saw Gina and Jenna Monday night. I've also been hanging out with my brother alot lately... driving around and going shopping... weird right? And instead of going to the gym, I’ve been running outside. I run/fast walk from my house to the water down arden avenue and back. Feels good and I’ve lost 3 lbs this week. Tonight though it’s gonna rain so I’m gonna keep it in doors at the gym.


Tomorrow I’m meeting up with Anna </a></b></a>pebble8beach
at Bryant park for “Broadway In The Park.” Their performing Wicked and Chicago tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it. Then Im going to meet up with Christina and maybe Krizia later on. It’s going to be a lot cooler tomorrow which I’m happy about…. This hot weather is soo tormenting.


My “Felicity” DVDs came today :) I can’t wait to start watching them.


By the way, do you know how much the Black Eyed Peas rock?!


I know that you like my style

Yesterday turned from one of the worst days EVER to such a fun time. Work was terrible. Basically working 10 hours straight wasn't enough to get me annoyed... but problems arose and I was stuck working from 6-11 by myself with no partner and no one was coming to relieve my shift at 11.. so... I had to clean up and close the store. My store is 24 hrs, 365 days a year.. we never close. This was big, lol. So I was totally WIPED OUT and eat basically nothing all day and drink iced coffee like a maniac. But things turned around... a little after midnight Alex and I decided to just be spontaneous and head into the city :) We met up with Lauren and went bar hopping. We had such a blast and I love going out with those girls. Wherever we go we make our own little dance floor and work it. I had three drinks and felt tipsy... just because of the fact I hadn't eaten anything. I got home at around 5 and I had to be up around 8:30ish to help at with Alex and Christina at church. I was comtemplating to just stay up and not go to bed.. but I set my alarm anyways. WELL.. once my head hit the pillow, I was totally out and my alarm went off but I guess I didn't hear it... got up at 10! Poor Alex was there bright and early, LOL.


( it's all about the benjamins baby )

I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel useless in so many different ways. This pain that lingers is so incredibly hard to describes but it's so exposed. I don't know who to give it up to anymore.


I hope all is well and I hope there is a smile
on your face.


She knows me so well. It was the first time I smiled in 2 days. Thank you. I miss her so much.



I'm working a double shift today: 1-11PM. It going to be very tiring but I'm actually looking forward to it. I need to get away and be distracted and drink all the iced coffee I want.



I'm also trying to distract myself with future things I wanna get done... like re-piercing my second hole in my ear (b/c it closed) and getting a third, a new hair style and getting highlights, a list of things I wanna shop for.... bascially things to enhance my exterior. Changing my appearance I know doesn't change what I feel on the inside but... oh well.



All thanks to Alex, I'm going to the Gwen Stefani concert in the fall :)



bubble, pop, electric